No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
should my penis look like a turkey
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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