there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
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