I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Randomize
