Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
