Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
