I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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