i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
