I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
