I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
