My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
