im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
