That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
