allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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