take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Randomize
