You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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