Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
