How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
