you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
