I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
