Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
