I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
