Already got asked if we're dating
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
