I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
