You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
i dont even know how to be here
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize
