i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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