So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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