C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
