I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
