Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
