The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
