thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
