his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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