Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
