I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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