if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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