rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
