FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
