jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
