I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I intend to get homeless drunk
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
