i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
