I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
barbara walters just said penis...
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
