I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
