oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
