i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
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