Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
