Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
