FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
