you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
