um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
