The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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